Full-time parent, infrequent blogger
October 13th, 2008,My wife went back to work full time in September, and I only managed three blog entries last month and none so far this month, which is almost half over. My main excuse is that I’m caring for our 4-year-old daughter and our 9-month-old son. We have less child care than we did last school year, because we didn’t want to put our son in daycare yet and we have not found a baby sitter who can come to our home part time. I also remain chair of the Northfield Area Task Force on Nonmotorized Transportation, which can be demanding at times.
I continue to be struck by how demanding parenting is. I don’t have time to do many of the things that I used to do, and there are many other things that I can do less often. In that sense, there is loss in parenting – the loss of old habits and activities. But much is gained, of course, including being witness to developing children and giving and receiving their love. I must remember and be open to those rewards, which are easy to ignore among the many demands of daily life.
Being a stay-at-home dad has also made me appreciate the sacrifices that women have made over the eons as they have raised children and managed households. It can be a very difficult, even isolating task, and it is one that men have too often shirked. No doubt one purpose of patriarchy – the rule of men – in many societies has been to push the burden of child rearing onto women’s shoulders.
Although I’m willing to be a stay-at-home dad and generally enjoy it, I do wonder if women are generally happier caring for children than men are. My experience and intuition tells me that, on average, they receive more joy from being close to children on a daily basis.
Still, this dad receives a great deal of joy from his children, and there is much to appreciate in working under their demands rather than those of a boss or employer.
October 13th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Good for you! Both for taking this opportunity and for appreciating what a wearying job it can be. Staying at home with young children is, like the military recruitment slogan, “the hardest job you’ll ever love.” Almost everyone chafes under its restrictions at times. I’m happy for anyone who wants to be at home with their kids who has that opportunity; I know there are many who long for it. At the same time, it is really good for each parent to know what that’s like so you can exchange looks of understanding rather than having the go-to-work parent asking exasperatedly, “What did you DO all day?” when the house is a mess and dinner remains uncooked.
October 13th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Hang in there, Bill. The world will still be there when your kids are older–and it probably won’t have changed much.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
The world could use more stay-at-home dads, Bill! I had a wonderful time when I was a full-time stay-at-home dad. When Anne and I moved back to Northfield in 1993 Maia and Jakob were 4 and 1, and for a number of years thereafter I was primarily a stay-at-home dad. I don’t regret for a minute all the time I spent with them. I hope (and believe) that they appreciated it then, and to this day, as well.
It’s not easy being home with kids, for dads in particular, because there isn’t really a social support network. I was fortunate to have several stay-at-home moms on our block with kids close to our kids’ ages, so I was able to become almost one of the moms. Still, it felt pretty isolated at times. Hang in there!
October 14th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Penny, Mary, and Bruce (all fellow Northfield bloggers): Thanks for your wise comments. Bruce, you are right that there is no “social support network” for dads. We are left with the sneaky feeling that some people may be judging us for staying at home, meanwhile there are few other dads around in a similar situation. I suppose women feel that same judgment, perhaps from some other women, but probably not to the same degree.
I’ll add Bruce’s and Mary’s blogs to the blogroll in the left column. See Mary’s “My Northern Garden” for some pretty pictures and eloquent posts!
October 15th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Seems like being a full time parent would be really hard. I’m so lucky my DH and I share the job 50/50. Of course, I’m not a typical mom though (if there is such a thing).
October 16th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I turns out I’m a frequent blogger this week. My wife was on vacations for three days, and my mom is helping out today.